Mexico Designates U.S. Spring Breakers As Foreign Terrorist Organization

CANCÚN — Mexico President Claudia Sheinbaum announced today that U.S. spring breakers — who have drunkenly sunbathed, vomited, urinated and passed out on the country’s sandy beaches for decades — have been designated as a Foreign Terrorist Organization, a move expected to bring an abrupt end to America’s celebrated annual traditions of alcohol poisoning, blackouts and life-altering mistakes south of the border every March.

“For years, high schoolers, fraternity bros and sorority girls from the U.S. have descended upon our country to kick-start addiction issues they will later in life blame on Mexico,” said Sheinbaum. “It’s time to take a stand against these terrorists and put an end to all-inclusive bracelets, dehydration related Emergency Room visits and remixes of the Zombie Nation song that has played in our night clubs for 20 years too many.”

Terrorists spotted during recent trip to Cancún.

President Sheinbaum said that following the U.S. designation of Mexican cartel groups as Foreign Terrorist Organizations in January, her government decided it will no longer turn a blind eye to the societal and cultural wreckage caused by U.S. spring breakers in the popular beach destinations of Cancún, Los Cabos, Puerto Vallarta, Tulum and Playa del Carmen. Beginning next February, Sheinbaum said the military will be deployed to patrol spring break hotspots such as Coco Bongo, Señor Frogs and anywhere people can be heard saying “one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”

“It’s time to Make Cancún Great Again,” Sheinbaum said. “While Mexico’s tourism hotspots will still be places where U.S. citizens can hold unoriginal weddings and cheat on their spouses at adult hotels, we will no longer sit quietly and allow teenagers with mullets and bleached tips to vomit up buffet food and cheap tequila on the floor of bars and taxis while wearing sombreros.”